LOTR HP BAD HAPPENINGS!
by incurelf
Summary: Or it = this parody. There ARE multiple chapters, but this is the only one up at the moment. More to come. PLEASE r/r!
1. In which the Fellowship of the Ring goes...

In which the two most popular movies/book series come together.dum dum dum..ignore me. I'm strange. Anyhow, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. It's been done b4. I could care less.  
  
Disclaimer: One day, Legolas WILL be mine! But so far, no one is.  
  
Somehow the Fellowship has been transported to Hogwarts. How? How should I know? That's not the point! Anyway, they are in the entrance hall during the start of term feast.  
  
Legolas: I've never been there, but somehow I have this feeling that this isn't Moria.  
  
Gimli: Damn right, it's not.  
  
Suddenly, a swarm of children in black come pouring in.  
  
Aragorn: Aaah! Attack of the hobbits! clings to Legolas  
  
Gandalf: They're not hobbits! grabs one child by the ear and shows them the ears See? Rounded ears. These are little itty bitty human kids!  
  
Aragorn: Leggy, why is Gandie talking about baby goats?  
  
Legolas: ignores him  
  
Child: Duh, we're humans. Who the hell are you?  
  
Gimli: Give us your name, upstart, and you'll get ours!  
  
Child: Ohh! The munchkin's got a sharp tongue! Ow! (that is meant to be in a girly/sarcastic way)  
  
Legolas: loads his bow Shut up or meet my arrow.  
  
Child: K. Hello, ar-falls to the floor with an arrow in him  
  
Suddenly, 3 other kids come running over.  
  
Girl: hugs Legolas Thank you! You killed Malfoy! Yes!  
  
Sam: Hey, what's that you're eating?  
  
Frodo: Wouldn't a better question be, 'who are you'?  
  
Girl: I'm Hermione, and this is Harry and Ron.  
  
Gandalf: This is Legolas, an elf, Gimli, a dwarf, Sam, Frodo, Merry, and Pippin, all hobbits, Aragorn and Boromir, humans, and I'm Gandalf, a wizard.  
  
Ron: Where's your wand?  
  
Gandalf: Wand? Don't have a wand.  
  
Harry: Then you can't be a wizard. We're all wizards, and we have wands. pulls out wand  
  
Gandalf: I use my staff.  
  
Hermione: Yeah, you're so old, you need it!  
  
Gandalf: glares at her  
  
Merry: I just have one question. What the hell are we doing here?  
  
Dumbledore: walks in I would also like to know that. Why are you here? And HOW did you get here?  
  
Gimli: If we knew, would Merry have asked? No. DUH!  
  
Dumbledore: You never know with some people. looks over at Hermione  
  
Hermione: What?  
  
Pippin: Do ya have anythin to eat?  
  
Snape: comes in Not for you, munchkin!  
  
Legolas: loads bow w/ imaginary arrow The next one to insult one of my companions dies! Well, not Aragorn. You can insult him.  
  
Snape: But it's more fun to insult the midgets! pouts, and is too greasy headed and altogether stupid to notice that Legolas has an imaginary arrow  
  
Gimli: draws axe and prepares to kill Snape  
  
Aragorn: Don't kill him! throws himself on top of Snape We're cousins!  
  
Snape: We are? Aragorn: Shh! I'm saving you!  
  
Snape: Why?  
  
Author: Because I don't want you to die..yet.  
  
Merry: Now that I look at them more closely, there IS resemblance.  
  
Pippin: How?  
  
Legolas: Duh. They're both stupid, greasy-headed, dirty bastards. But...Aragorn is amusing, where as HE indicates Snape is a pain up my ass, so.shoots Snape with his imaginary arrow, and so powerful is the imagination, that Snape actually falls down dead, but.  
  
Gimli: hits Snape with his axe because he doubts Legolas' imaginary arrow for some reason.  
  
Author: F***in retard.  
  
Hermione: hugs Legolas tighter Yay! He's dead!  
  
Gimli: Why are you hugging HIM? I'm the one who killed the guy!  
  
Hermione: Yeah, but, I mean, come on. LOOK at him! He is SO HOT!  
  
Harry: Hermione! I'M your boyfriend! (we all knew it was going to happen one day)  
  
Legolas: Yeah, uh, and I don't like being hugged. Only Gimli can hug me.  
  
All but Legolas and Gimli: WHAT?!  
  
Legolas: It's time we told them, Gimli.  
  
Gimli: Do we HAVE to?  
  
Legolas: They're gonna guess anyway.  
  
Gimli: Ok, ok. 1, 2, 3-  
  
Legolas & Gimli: W- suddenly, for no reason, they fall to the floor  
  
Dum, dum, dum. scary music plays Yeah, I know, but, what the hell, I haven't figured everything out yet! =) Stay tuned 4 CHAPTER 2! 


	2. In which several more people are killedf...

Here you go. Chapter 2. No one has even reviewed the first one yet. ( course, I only put it up yesterday.but.that's not the point. Anyway, enjoy, and PLEASE REVIEW!!! It will inspire me to many more parodies!!!  
  
Disclaimer: HOW many times must I say this?  
  
Random voice: Don't know. Just say it.  
  
Me again: shut up. I'll just put.....  
  
Disclaimer: See first chapter. It's the same (how do you spell duh?)  
  
Aragorn: Leggy!  
  
Hobbits: YES!  
  
Gandalf: hits Frodo with his staff, creating a domino effect on the hobbits  
  
Frodo: falls  
  
Sam: falls  
  
Pippin: falls  
  
Merry: What do I do? Oh, right! falls  
  
Boromir: Thank god! No more hobbits! For now, anyway.  
  
Gandalf: Boromir, we don't have a god.  
  
Boromir: Oh, whoops. Then thank..thank..looks at  
  
Aragorn dreamily Thank Arry!  
  
Aragorn: dreamily Your welcome.  
  
Boromir: Arry, will you marry me? Please?  
  
Aragorn: WHAT? You f***ing @$$hole! ME? Marry YOU?! What is this $#it? Of COURSE I will! Dumb @$$ I've been waiting and waiting!  
  
They look like they want to kiss, but seem to decide not to, because Boromir whispers in Aragorn's ear and he gets a very silly grin on his face (Aragorn does).  
  
Harry: There's nothing for it, Ron. Will you marry me?  
  
Ron: Oh, Harry! How did you know?  
  
Hermione: looks up from Legolas' chest, where she threw herself when he fell What about me, Harry?  
  
Harry: I..uh..well.uh.  
  
Legolas: You can have her. picks her up off of him and throws her over to Harry, who catches her  
  
Gandalf: Wait! You're knocked out!  
  
Legolas & Gimli: No, we aren't.  
  
Legolas: We wanted to see what you guys would say behind our backs, so, takes out bow and gleefully shoots one hobbit after another, shooting Frodo last  
  
Gandalf: Aaah! Thank you! I love you!  
  
Legolas: No you don't!  
  
Dumbledore: Forgive me for interrupting, bu-  
  
Legolas: kills him No, I don't forgive you. I'M supposed to have the longest hair.  
  
Ok, death count please! Getting screwed up, so: the peeps w/ stars is dead: Legolas Aragorn Frodo* Sam* Merry* Pippin* Gimli Boromir Gandalf Harry Ron Hermione Snape* Dumbledore* Child (Malfoy)*  
  
On with the story.  
  
Harry (to Ron): Violent, these men are.  
  
Legolas: I'm no man! walks away up the marble staircase, insulted  
  
Aragorn: Leggy! Come back! They don't know! starts crying  
  
Hermione: Shut up, crybaby! Leggy! Come back!  
  
Legolas: I'm coming! I'm just making myself feel better by doing this because HE points to Harry said I was a man! A man? HA! I'm an ELF! You're just jealous! breaks into song, which will be the next chapter and also featured as it's own story.along with others. After the song he zooms down the railing like at Helm's Deep, 'cept with a shield from a suit of armor which is conveniently placed there just for him.  
  
That's the end. I just didn't want you to forget the circumstances in which Legolas' song is sung, so, coming soon! 


	3. Legolas' Song

Legolas' song from the previous chapter, or just a song he sings. Depends on if you're reading this as part of LOTR + HP = Bad Happenings or just a story or whatever. Who cares. Enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own LOTR or this song.  
  
To the tune of I'm Too Sexy, by Alvin & the Chipmunks (yes, I know someone else really does the song, but that's the version I have, and in any case I don't know who the original author is.  
  
Here's Legolas' (my) lyrics, and the originals will be after. If I didn't get all of the words right, correct me and get over it. (smiley face) By the way.if in 's, it is spoken. Well, not sung. You know what I mean!  
  
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! Hair! Hair! I love my hair!  
  
I'm too sexy for my ears too sexy for my ears so sexy baby And I'm too sexy for my legs too sexy for my legs keep your hands off me!  
  
I'm too sexy for your eyes too sexy for your eyes no way I'm gonna die  
  
I'm an elf You know what I mean and I shoot my pretty bow at the bad guys Yeah at the bad guys at the bad guys yeah I shoot my pretty bow at the bad guys  
  
Don't hate me! I'm just like you, but, better looking! Don't hate me, please!  
  
I'm too sexy for my age! too sexy for my age too sexy for sight I'm so bright!  
  
I'm too sexy for my bow too sexy for my bow What'dja think about that?!  
  
I'm an elf ya know what I mean And I shoot my pretty bow at the bad guys yeah at the bad guys at the bad guys Yeah I shoot my pretty bow at the bad guys  
  
Too sexy for my Too sexy for my Too sexy for my  
  
Cause I'm an elf ya know what I mean And I shoot my pretty bow at the bad guys yeah at the bad guys at the bad guys Yeah I shoot my pretty bow at the bad guys  
  
I'm too sexy for my food too sexy for my food Poor lembas bread! (crunch crunch*)  
  
I'm too sexy for my race! too sexy for my race! They is starting to leave me!  
  
And I'm too sexy for this song  
  
*sounds 


	4. Flying Lessons

I started this during Tech Ed, so.yeah, it might turn out just a LITTLE weird.and dumb, but you know what. I blame Tech Ed.  
  
Disclaimer: See everywhere else for the message: I DO NOT OWN LOTR OR HP!!!!!!!! All the credit to JRR Tolkien & JK Rowling.  
  
Now.here it comes.my next idea.the Fellowship on broomsticks! Beware! MWAHAHAHA!  
  
Scene: Quidditch field w/ the Fellowship, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Wood, & Flitwick (I have NO idea why).  
  
Harry (to the F.): Ok, for some reason, we're going to teach you how to fly.  
  
Gimli: FLY? AAAHH! screams girly scream  
  
Wood: So, none of you can fly?  
  
Aragorn: I fell off a cliff once!  
  
Gimli: And I jumped onto a bunch of Uruk-hai all by myself! Aragorn did too.  
  
Aragorn: Yeah, but I thre-  
  
Gimli: Shut up!  
  
Wood: Right..  
  
Flitwick: Don't worry, Gimli, dear. We got you all the very best broomsticks. They have a strange name though. It's Dinedhel9.*  
  
Legolas & Aragorn: WHAT?! Are you MAD?!  
  
Flitwick: Hold on a sec. goes into state like that of Frodo when the Ring starts whispering, etc, then comes out Not yet!  
  
They each get a broomstick and are given basic (VERY slow and basic for Pippin) instructions for riding, steering, kicking off, and landing.  
  
Harry: on his broom All right. 1, 2, 3!  
  
They kick off..with disastrous results.  
  
Gimli gets airsick a foot off the ground and throws up all over Hermione. Pippin promptly falls off. Merry's starts zooming him around, 'accidentally' knocking him into things.. Boromir's goes right back down after going about 7ft up because he's too big and it breaks. (Why is that there? Don't know) Aragorn, terrified and crying, lays down on it and clings to it, trying, for some reason, to make it go UP, and it does so, until it shakes him off in disgust. Even BROOMSTICKS think Aragorn is dirty. Gandalf sits side-saddle on his, and goes sailing gaily away, until he pulls out his pipe. After several comical attempts to light it in mid- air, he finally sets light..to the broomstick, and quickly jumps off. Legolas, not wanting to mess up his hair, sits on it side-saddle, inexplicably has a brush, and begins to brush his hair. Frodo does fine, but as he urges it upwards, he begins to, uh, how shall I say, smile, sigh, and move himself a little too much. Hee hee hee. Twisted little thing I am. Sam gets jealous, and grasps Frodo's broomstick and tries to pull himself onto the opposite side of Frodo, which doesn't work, and falls with Frodo onto Boromir who fell on Pippin who fell on Aragorn who is now SO disgusting that Hermione, Gandalf, Ron, Wood, and Flitwick combined can't cast a decent cleaning spell that works on him.  
  
Next chapter.the Fellowship with wands..MWAHAHA! Review, please!  
  
*For all of you who don't have the Silmarillion, also by Tolkien, or didn't bother to look at the name thing in the back, that means, silent-elf. I'm trying to get the meaning, dead elf across, cuz you know, you're dead, you're silent. Catch me fluff? Don't ask about the fluff thing. Inside joke. 


	5. Transfiguration

I succumb to you. Here it is. Chapter 5. Now, first, a couple of things to my reviewers: Arwen: Alright! Alright! pretends to be very scared indeed & shivers at the thought of Gimli & an Orc combined Here is more! & I know it's pointless & plotless, but then, fanfiction is pointless too because you can't officially publish it. Marauder: Terribly sorry about Frodo, but..Frodo insulted Legolas, so.what can you do? & also.Aragorn? Hot? I'll stick with Legolas, thanks. I will give you that he's a LITTLE cute. Just a little, mind you, but..whatever. Candycane loves Legalous: glad you like it. & here I am, keeping it up! Sirius's Crazy Chick: Aragorn is dirty & is 46 in real life. Legolas is hot & clean & is 26 in real life. sticks tongue back out Raberba girl: You're welcome. Glad you think it's funny. And I think it's dominoes. princessjess3: Yeah, here's more. & Thanks.  
  
Here, as I said before, is..the Fellowship with wands! Beware!  
  
Scene: All teachers but Snape & Dumbledore (they're dead, remember), the 3 kids (I really hope you all know whom I'm talking about), and the Fellowship, minus the hobbits (they died too) They have inexplicably gotten wands from somewhere though only Gandalf and Legolas can do magical stuff. Legolas can because he's an elf.  
  
McGonagall: Because you did, so, ah, because of how you did on broomsticks, we have decided to try and teach you to cast spells. No-  
  
Gandalf: But I already know how.  
  
McGonagall: Too bad. Detention!  
  
Gandalf: What's that?  
  
Sprout: whispers something in Gandalf's ear  
  
Gandalf: What? But.I'm GANDALF! I'm immortal! I'm a wizard! An old man! I can't get in trouble!  
  
Legolas: Uh, Gandalf? You just DID get in trouble!  
  
Gimli: Yeah, but why are we listening to them anyway? You (meaning Legolas) are 2, 931 years old, Gandalf's 7000 something, Aragorn's a kin-  
  
Aragorn: Not yet! cries because he wants to be king  
  
Gimli: Ok, you're GOING to be king, Boromir, well,  
  
Boromir: glares meaningfully at him  
  
Gimli: Boromir is a very important man and an excellent fighter, and I am a dwarf of considerable age and status.  
  
Moody: You're listening to us because you're in OUR world, not piddle-earth or whatever you call it.  
  
Boromir: MIDDLE-earth!  
  
Lupin: Can we continue here?  
  
Yes, yes, yes I KNOW that Moody & Lupin didn't teach together, are no longer there, etc etc, but I don't care.  
  
Legolas: I don't know.you annoy me. I might shoot you.  
  
Lupin: I wouldn't do that. I'm a werewolf.  
  
Legolas: I don't care if you are a gaur (werewolf in elfish) or not.  
  
Lupin: You will when I turn into one!  
  
Legolas: Oh, Auta miqula orqu (go kiss an Orc)  
  
Lupin: huh?  
  
Aragorn: You don't wanna know.  
  
Lupin: Oh, yes I-  
  
Binns: OK! EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP! I'M TIRED OF THIS! I'M DEAD YET I BELIEVE I COULD STILL DIE FROM ALL THIS!  
  
Myrtle: has arrived What about me? I'm de-catches sight of Legolas er, available! And I'm ALWAYS on the look out for a nice hottie! AND I'm sexy, even though I'm dead, though I'm NOTHING compared to YOU! bats eyes at Legolas Legolas: Dolle naa lost. Kel. Amin feuya ten' lle (your head is empty. go away. you disgust me)  
  
Aragorn: That wasn't nice!  
  
Legolas: It's true!  
  
Aragorn: Yeah, well..that's not the point!  
  
McGonagall: Can we PLEASE continue?!  
  
Boromir: What if we don't want to?  
  
Moody: Once you learn enough, you won't BELIEVE the stuff you'll be able to do to other people!  
  
Sam: Like turn people into stuff?  
  
Moody: with an evil look in his eye Yeah.  
  
Sam: But Gandalf already knows how to do that!  
  
Gandalf: I do?  
  
Sam: Duh! 'member when I WASN'T droppin any eaves but you thought I was and I said 'don't turn me into anythin. unnatural' and you said 'no, perhaps not. I have a better use for you', so you CAN!  
  
Gandalf: That's right! I can!  
  
Suddenly, all of the teachers draw their wands.  
  
Hagrid: (up until this point the author has forgotten him and will now put him in the room because it is convient) ALRIGHT! EVERYBODY SHUT UP OR YOU'LL ALL GET TURNED INTO SOMETHING UGLY!  
  
Legolas: But I don't wanna be a dwarf!  
  
Gimli: Grr..  
  
McGonagall: Now, the first thing you are going to learn is to make a match turn into a needle.  
  
Legolas: What's a match?  
  
Pippin: What if we don't want to?  
  
McGonagall: This is a match. holds up a match It's used to light fires. And whether you want to or not is not the point, you are going to if you want to learn magic.  
  
Aragorn: We'll be good!  
  
Frodo: What do YOU care?  
  
Aragorn: I can impress Arwen when we get home.  
  
Myrtle: A girl fell for you?! No!  
  
Aragorn: Yes! cries  
  
Legolas: There, there, Aragorn, it'll be alright.  
  
All but him and Aragorn from the Fellowship stare in amazement.  
  
Merry: Uhh..Legolas? Why are yo-  
  
Legolas: Shh! whispering It'll keep him quiet!  
  
All in the Fellowship but Legolas & Aragorn: Aah.  
  
McGonagall sets them to turning matches into needles, with, aah, interesting? results.  
  
Gandalf: does it correctly, but with his staff so it grows to about 3 meters  
  
Aragorn: blasts the desk apart and falls down crying Mommy! Arwen!  
  
Boromir: turns it into a needle the same size as a sword, so takes an extra sword hilt that he inexplicably has with him and makes a new sword Yay! I'm gonna name it Bob!  
  
Gimli: sets his beard on fire  
  
Frodo: takes out the Ring and uses it on the match, but rather than turning into a needle it turns into the Eye of Sauron, which is, for some reason, ignored by all  
  
Pippin: turns it into..lembas, but after he eats it his hair catches on fire  
  
Merry: rather than waste a good match and turn it into a needle, he pulls out some weed and begins to smoke & do a Bilbo impression Owld Towby. The faanest weed in the South Faahthin.  
  
Sam: decides he doesn't want a match, so turns it into a giant 'tater Hey, Mr. Frodo? Do you have a camera with you? I want a picture so I can show Gollum.  
  
Frodo: Dude, Sam! Can't you tell I'm dealing with the Great Eye over here? Geez!  
  
Sam: Sorry! cries  
  
Legolas: thinks for a moment, then turns it into a brush Who needs needles? I need to brush my hair! proceeds to do so  
  
McGonagall: No, no, no! What are we going to do with them?  
  
Binns: I'd hate to see what they'd do to History of Magic or Charms. Let's try potions.  
  
Sam: We get to cook! YES! Do we get taters? Can we eat it? How long will we have it for? When do we start? Will there be enough for fifths? How about elevenses? Will it be hard? W-  
  
Hagrid: knocks him unconscious Whoops! looks away, 'innocently' My bad!  
  
This is now 7 pages, though you can't tell, so I think I will leave it at that for now..so..cya! 


End file.
